Faux Folks logo

A Faux Folks Prospectus

Faux Folks has been serving the needs of the faux since antiquity. Our services include, but are not limited to, repair and refinishing, erotics, travel and recreational, and fiduciary. In addition, we provide expertise in problem-solving. The following is not an exhaustive list of our competencies, but merely a sampling. To invest in Faux Folks, please call your broker.
Client A
Location: Bohemia
Problem Area: Fashion

Client: Years of immobility weary me.
FF: So you're in need of accessorizing, decorating--balms for the spirit, so to speak?
Client: I have a too-familiar vantage point and a stale, tired view; I want an end to tedium.
FF: We can offer just the thing: across the street, on that dreary facade we can carve a frieze of startling originality; it will give the illusion of travel while you remain in place.
Client: You great soft monster, I don't need more stone! I am already drowning in solidity!
FF: And there is always water--you can be made into a fountain.
statue of King's man

Client B
Location: Bohemia
Problem Area: Metaphysics


Client: Constantly, I worry about disfigurement and degradation.
FF: We can set up cameras for continuous surveillance. We can use microphones and motion detectors for greater security.
Client: But I am most afraid of entropy, and no technology can stop that thief in the night.
FF: Don't be melodramatic! Unlike you, I am dying even as we speak.
Client: That gives me some small measure of comfort.

Client C
Location: Saxony
Problem Area: Geography


Client: I need a survey of my domain, the help of a cartographer.
FF: This is surely a fantasy. Isn't your domain essentially of the mind, rather than geographical?
Client: And isn't your mind essentially the brain, a three-dimensional thing with corrugations and crenulations?
FF: You make it sound like an ornament...
Client: Yes, that's it. Make me a map like an ornament of infinite variety. Or at least acknowledge that the number of possible perspectives is infinite.
FF: What you want can be made with an arbitrary line-by-curve correspondence between the domain and the object itself. Such a thing could open new worlds.
Client: Are you more interested in acquiring new territory or fulfilling your contract?
Client D
Location: Arizona
Problem Area: Legal


Client: Some years ago devout persons revered stone and plaster saints, wooden virgins in May wreaths. Now it seems the devout persons themselves demand reverence.
FF: Times change, yet you are too static to change with them. But we can bring suit against those who would further diminish you.
Client: It has been said that religion is an opium, so perhaps the devout are merely hallucinating.
FF: You should be careful in your opinions; no lawyer can actually defend a heretic.
Clients E and F
Location: Saxony
Problem Area: Political Theory


Client E: Let me tell you something. The famous of us are unknowable, the ancient even more so, yet the abstract are more accessible than you might imagine.
Client F: And all of us, stone or bronze, can be wise or fool.
FF: This is also true of human flesh.
Client F: Which brings me to what we would ask of you. We want to rule ourselves.
Client E: Remember that we have little music but silence, no cuisine but a mouthful of dust, that our hearts are cold, yet often we find our origins in tempered metal.
FF: Pity has never been the basis for governance as you well know. You owe us and you will pay.